a visit in the valley
The March for Life and Walk for Life for 2013 have ended, and last night we returned home to “normal life” for a while.
I have talked about Goodness and Mercy in 4 times zones in the past 7 days. I have heard so many “me too” stories from post-abortive men and women that I can’t even begin to count them, and in time, they become woven into the tapestry of my life.
But staying busy can sometimes keep pain from surfacing.
Today, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks as I was walking passed the maternity section in a department store. I was on my way to find the restroom, and as I arrived there, I couldn’t breathe.
I went into a stall and I wept.
So. much. regret. pain. anguish. grief.
I pulled myself together and met my Mom at the escalator. I didn’t want her to know. I was about to take her to the airport and didn’t want our last few hours together to be sad. She’s grieving as a grandmother of aborted grandchildren, and I really want her to have as much time as she needs to do that. This is not all about me.
I pushed my feelings to the side and went on about my evening, which included meeting a few friends for dinner.
There was a new baby girl there with her Mom.
Sweet chubby cheeks. Perfect fair skin. She looked like my babies did.
I tried to laugh with my friends. I tried to join conversations. But I couldn’t.
I got in the car & wept the entire way home.
The pain ebbs and flows. Today it flowed. Some days it takes me on a rollercoaster. Today I rode it to the depths of the valley.
It’s only because of Jesus that I never set up camp in the valley. Visiting there is a good reminder about why I do what I do. It’s for the women in the valley and the babies in heaven who have no voice. I have chosen to be their voice because God asked me to.
Healing from abortion is like peeling away the layers of an onion…only this onion has an endless number of layers. It’s like my heart shattered into a million pieces and it cannot be whole until I see Jesus face to face.
Today, I know He is near to my broken heart. I know He holds my tears. He is my only hope. And I trust that He will make everything beautiful just in time.
“There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble into a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.” Hosea 2:15
Praying for you Kelly. Your so right about that onion.I will be praying for you and Matt always! Thank you for sharing your pain and how you turn to Jesus for healing! May you always feel His Overwhelming Love and Mercy and Forgivness. I’m grateful to have met you both this last Friday.
Hey Kelly
I met you last year at the March in DC. Wasn’t able to attend this year and did a little SNM stuff here in Wisconsin.
My question is …may i quote you on my Website? I am launching a page for Post Abortive Men and Women to link them up to resources for healing. I was just wondering if I can quote you on that page?
Thank you
JoAnn
Yes of course!
Kelly, as someone who has buried more babies than I care to count (though not through abortion),I know that what you’re doing must be harder that anything, but I’m sure that your children are smiling down on you for all that you have done and endured in the past week and all that you have done through SNMAC. If every woman who seriously considered abortion truly stopped to hear the words of those who have been down that road I’m sure the number would decrease significantly. You may not be a Catholic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were canonized a saint 100 years or more from now for all that you’ve done to show God’s forgiveness. God bless you.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us…the verse about He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.. Psalm 147 has been a comfort to me many times.. like the onion… for a wound to heal sometimes the doctor has to get in a rip off the scab and let it fester and ooze…but then when it heals over again it seems smaller still there with its scar..but not so sensitive… then for it to heal more it happens again..
I am lifting up you both to our great Physician and Gentle healer… thanks for being so open with your lives.. and sometimes those valleys are what people need to see with you too.. Hugs to you….this Psalm brings comfort to my many times too.. Denise
Psalm 34
1 I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.
Praying for you, Kelly. Your courage is inspiring! Keep on fighting the good fight!
Kelly,
I really want to give you thanks for being so open about your experience. I regretfully had an abortion 3 yrs ago, and I have regretted it ever since. I am married to the man who is the father of my aborted baby. We have tried to live our lives as best we can but the guilt made me seek Jesus. Ever since my abortion I have been on a journey to find some healing and peace. But my husband has tried to bury the past.
He reluctantly agreed to join me to the San Francisco march and after hearing your husband speak he finally acknowledged that what we did was wrong. Your words really gave me some healing knowing I am not the only one who lives with this guilt and shame, but that there are people out there who understand. I hope one day to have your strength and speak about my experience. I pray that one day I’ll be lucky to join my beautiful angel in heaven. God Bless.
Thank you, Kelly, for being willing to bare your grief for others to see so that they might find hope. Jesus holds each and every piece of your heart in His loving hands.