today I returned to the abortion clinic…
This morning I returned to the clinic where I had my abortions 12 years ago to pray for and plead with Mom’s not to make the decision I made so many years ago.
As I pulled into a parking spot, I sat in the car for a minute and closed my eyes. I wanted to pray that I wouldn’t fall apart, but before I could utter a word, a movie began playing in my head. I could see that hurting, desperate 23 year-old girl who pulled into this very same parking spot in 2000. And suddenly I remembered it ALL.
Every room in that building.
The faces of the nurses.
The pictures of angel’s wings on the ceiling.
I remembered tripping on my way to the car because I was drugged and crying uncontrollably.
I even remembered the abortionist’s hands.
Perhaps I was being naïve, but I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that came.
I also didn’t expect to be overcome with compassion for the mothers and fathers who were arriving one after the other and were convinced that killing their child was their ONLY choice. I could tangibly sense the despair and the hopelessness they felt. I remember it SO well.
I spoke with Robert and Lucia. They are both 18 years old, and Robert just enlisted in the military. He said his father abandoned him and if they have a child now, he wouldn’t be around to take care of the baby. Lucia didn’t say much, but her heart was not soft to hear what we had to say. We asked Robert how he could take a vow to defend America and then his first act as a Marine was going to be taking the life of his own child. He came out of the clinic several times and heard our pleas. But he chose death for his child.
I spoke with Beverly who already has 4 children and said the child in her womb had no heartbeat. I told her we would take her to the hospital around the corner to be sure, but she refused. She even looked right at me as said, “I know that God creates life.” She came out many times to smoke and would cry at the truth of my words. But she chose death for her child.
Matt and I talked to a young couple that looked to be about 4 months along in their pregnancy. They are both atheists and at first they were cussing at us and saying they weren’t going to listen. After awhile, however, they seemed to begin to soften a bit. She told us that the doctor told her she was too small to bear children and she would die in childbirth. We offered to take her to a high-risk OB/GYN to find out what the problem was, but just as she began to talk to us, her boyfriend grabbed her and took her in. Forty-five minutes later, she came out stumbling and groggy as her boyfriend opened the car door for her. I couldn’t help but think “So NOW you decide to be a gentleman? You are about forty-five minutes too late.” They chose death for their child.
the abortion clinic
Of the forty-six women who walked into this abortion clinic today, TWO chose LIFE. I know that heaven rejoices because those two babies were saved, but I wanted to do MORE.
At one point, one of the sidewalk counselors was pleading with the girls from outside the window. “You know that girl you were when you walked in that door? If you kill your child, you will NEVER be that girl again.”
I began to weep…grieving THAT Kelly.
But then I felt such an immense sense of gratitude. While I will never be that Kelly, I AM a NEW creation. I remembered Ephesians 2. I was DEAD in my sins, but because of His great love for ME, God, who is rich in mercy, made ME alive with Christ even when I was dead in transgressions.
As I left, I tried driving through my tears. How do you get past the heaviness that you feel for the babies and for the women who will suffer depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and lifelong regret?
However, once I stopped crying, I became VERY angry…like Jesus-turning-over-tables angry. My friend John, who prays outside of this clinic EVERY day, said that he cannot get ONE church to support him. He wasn’t even talking about financial support…he was talking about prayer support, sending people to pray, ANYTHING.
This infuriates me.
Honestly, this makes me NEVER want to step foot in a church again.
There are hundreds of churches within a 15-mile radius of this Orlando abortion clinic. While they are updating their offices, paying for sound systems, and preaching their fluffy messages, babies are DYING…over 3000 a day.
Friends, hear me, we MUST shake off our dullness and be SILENT NO MORE…and STAGNANT no more!
I am angry with pastors who never mention abortion and will not lend a hand to people like my friend, John. I am angry with those who think that writing a check is enough and never think about actually DOING anything for the unborn.
I am angry with Christians who do NOTHING to stand for the least of these and still call themselves Christians.
GOD.HAVE.MERCY.
My hero, John, who pleads for the babies every day...
Kelly, I have been following your blog for a while now, and while I have never gone through an abortion myself I feel you heartache and pain in how you write. (hugs) I also want to thank you for being so painfully raw and vulnerable. It must take so much courage. I have a firend here in Canada that works for NCLN and I want to tell you what I told her just before she gave birth to her baby girl. I truly believe that the children you have right now are not the only ones you have spiritually. Through your witness, I BELIEVE you have countless babies (weather here on earth or resting in God’s arms).
Take courage and know that you do not stand alone. Peace and love.
In Him,
Kim
Wow, Kelly and Kim you both brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing. We all need to wake up and stand for these innocent children! Enough is enough.
Hi Kelly…I am so proud of you and the courage God has blessed you with to share your testimony with others. I became a regional coordinator for West Tennessee last yr. I 1st got involved in 40 Days for Life here after going thru Rachel’s Vineyard in 2009. God has completely guided my every step and opened every door. This yr as I told my testimony at a kick-off event of +600 people in Nashville on Sept 24, 2011 and at a church on Sun, Jan 22, 2012 that little did I know that 39 yrs ago I would become a part of legalized abortion. I was 16 yr old. I was forced to have the abortion and kept it a secret for about 35 yrs. Even with professional help for emtional trauma, night terrors and panic attacks which I couldn’t understand because the pain was buried so deep, I would never betray my secret and tell anyone.
Again, I am proud of you, we are not alone and thru the grace & mercy of God, Rachel’s Vineyard and now Silent No More I can with dignity have no fear and shame from “my secret”. Dear sister in Christ, may God bless you with His loving kindness, wisdom and courage to be Silent No More. +++ Tamah Bearden, Regional Coordinator, SNM TN.
b.tamah@gmail.com
Kelly, I have also born the burden of abortion… more than one… I applaud you for your mission and love you as my sister in Him.
You do NOT STAND ALONE! God bless you for your courage! What an emotional day it has been…
Blessings and huge graces from our loving God,
Jeanne
Kelly, I too have shared the same frustration and disgust with the churches lack of involvement. As if the lives of these children are a political issue they shouldn’t be involved with. My life and those I love have been scarred as I have seen my mother struggle for more than 30 years with the decisions that she made regarding two of my siblings at the advice of the same doctor that later brought me into this world. It is so deeply grieving to see these men and women choose death for their child and suffer tremendously for years afterwards. She remembers, as you do, their due dates and the day they died. Every year for 4 days out of the year, she grieves. And we all know why. My question for you is how to get involved. I know women, myself included, who volunteer at an abortion alternative clinic. Sorting, washing, and mending tiny clothes for women who chose life for their babies and got out from under the lies. But for the women who choose an abortion clinic I can honestly say I don’t know that I would have the stomach for the work you do at these clinics in begging for the lives of the children. Perhaps that seems shallow but it honestly makes me ill and my stomach turn to even think of being only feet away from babies losing their lives and being helpless. I wouldn’t know the first thing to do. I would probably just cry the whole time. I would be a mess. Certainly not a help. However, I’m sure I’m not alone. Perhaps the next blog could be advice for those wanting to get involved and be a physical advocate for these children. What are the laws? How do you get started? I want to DO something. But its not as simple as showing up to the nearest clinic (I would have to Google that, because I’m not even sure where they are located.) and trying to conversate with these parents. How do you start something like this?
Great idea! I will work on a blog of ideas.
Also, you might be surprised how much you would help just by BEING there. Yes, the heaviness is tangible, but God would give you the tools and the words to help. As tough as it is, sometimes we have to ask ourselves “If not me, who?” Of course there are Crisis Pregnancy Centers, adoption agencies, etc. where our help is needed, but I feel that being on the front lines of the abortion clinics is where Jesus is calling many of us.
THANK YOU for your honesty and I will pray that the Lord will direct you to ways that you can help save babies!
Blessings to you…
Kelly
I have similar thoughts as Laura. What is sidewalk counseling? What do you say to people, or what questions do you ask them? Where can you legally stand without getting arrested? Could I use a bullhorn in the Dallas, TX area–once I get into it, I probably would. I’m going to share this with my husband, as we both want to do something, but we don’t know how to get involved. We have 3 kids. One 3 year old, and twin girls who will be 2 in April. Would it be okay to bring them with us?
Laura,
Perhaps what happened to me after my first day spent at an abortion mill will encourage you. It was a rough day with many people yelling insults and giving me the finger. I am a mellow person and this was hard to take. When I got home I got out my Bible because I wanted to read Isaiah 59:19 “When the enemy comes in like a flood the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against Him.” (That is exactly what He did!) Upon opening my Bible a verse practically leaped off the page. If the Lord speaks to you like this sometimes you know what I am talking about. The verse was in the top left hand corner of the page so I only saw the end of the verse and had to turn the page to see what it said. It was: “Fear not, for I am WITH YOU. Be not dismayed for I AM YOUR GOD. I will help you, yes I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10
I could tell you many many stories of how God graciously revealed Himself to me since I started going to abortion mills.
You said you “would probably just cry the whole time” There is NOTHING more powerful and fruit bearing than tears. Psalm 126:5 says: “Those who SOW IN TEARS shall reap in joy. He who contiually goes forth weeping WILL DOUBTLESS come again with rejoicing, bringing his harvest with him.”
I encourage you to read Abby Johnson’s book “Unplanned” I have met many people at the “Hood” who said they read it and felt compelled and empowered to come and “Do something” Read the story of how the Nun’s prayers outside Abby’s clinic affected the employees inside the clinic.
Kelly, God bless you! I want to tell you something that I believe from the bottom of my heart. If YOU show up. HE will show up.
Hi Kelly:
I understand your frustration with churches but I also understand that you are speaking from your passion. The reason that churches and pastors do not speak continually on the subject of abortion is that many in their congregations have had an abortion and are now fighting guilt and sometimes despair. To broach the subject each week would make some feel condemned and hinder the healing they very much need. I’m not saying that it shouldn’t be spoken about, I know we have on many occasions and many in our church continually pray for those who are contemplating having an abortion. If you are ever in the Chicago area you are welcome to share your experience at our church. http://Www.churchintheword.com.
Blessings to you,
Patrick Hoban.
Thanks so much for your comment, Patrick. And of course I am very passionate about this! I know there are some churches who approach this subject at certain times through out the year, but there are MANY churches who NEVER speak of it. I understand the “whys” but I believe they are doing a great disservice to the women & men in their congregations who need healing from past abortions AND the women who will leave church and kill their babies that very week because no one told them the consequences.
For the past 2 years, I have traveled the country speaking about my experiences. 95% of the events I’ve been invited to were Catholic events…and I’m not even Catholic! The evangelical church has to see that as OUR issue, too. These women NEED our help. They need their pastors to talk about so they feel safe to share. That was what I needed.
I would LOVE to come speak at your church. Thank you for your prayers and support. I couldn’t do what I do without it!
Blessings,
Kelly
Forty-four babies in one day in one clinic in one city. An assembly line of death that is duplicated all over the country. It’s unbelievable, and yet real. Thanks for this post Kelly.
Hi Kelly
As a post abortive woman I have been with you at the anger of the lack of support, but have learned over the years that God is calling me to show them the mercy God has shown me.
Don’t let them become a distraction for you, keep your eyes on Jesus and just keep doing what He asks you to do and continue to trust in Him. He will do the rest, one heart at a time.
Thank you for all you are doing..many blessings!
Kelly, I was deeply and profoundly moved by your post. I wanted to assure you that here at least in Canada, where we have no abortion law what so ever and no protection what so ever for the unborn child that the catholic bishops have been very supportive of the prolife movement and are very supportive of those of us who try to work for life. Our task is made harder by the fact that the law forbids us to speak to women going into clinics. But I do very much hear your anger and those fellow christians who won’t stand up for the truth and for Jesus. Please don’t be discouraged and not go to church – where you will be fed by fellowhip and with the real presence of Christ who is with us where ever two or more are gathered in His name. If I may, I suggest that you google 40 days for life, which has been very successful in saving children from the abortuary? It will give you some hope and encouragement. In Canada, the catholic church has committed to this movement and we pray actively for the saving of children at mass and the priests are given instruction to speak from the pulpit on this issue. There is also a day where we all protest in favour of life- by standing silently at all the major intesections in the cities and towns. What is sad here is when few people turn out- but the church leaders are there. In closing I would just like to say thank you to Jesus for blessing you with the graces of courage and your openenss to God and to where he is leading you. Cheers
Blossom
My husband was a Soldier, and we lived in Germany. We had a 2 year old daughter, and we had no money. My husband was gone 10 months, and I found out I was pregnant soon after he left.
I decided to have an abortion. Where I lived in Germany was heavily Catholic, so I had to travel to another area to have it done.
I realized after my abortion consultation that I did not have enough money to have it done. By some reverse miracle, my neighbor suddenly paid me the money she owed me for watching her kids, money I thought I’d never see. Yep, enough money to have the abortion.
Something began to bother me, and I decided just to have the child. I was not happy about it at all! I DID NOT want the baby AT ALL!
Now, my “unwanted” baby is 15. He is a great kid, and I love him so much! What a HORRIBLE mistake I almost made!
BLESS YOU for being strong enough to do what you do!
I don’t go to church because the United Methodist Church no longer appeals to me. The only church that seems to care about life is Catholicism.
I will keep visiting your blog.
If I may suggest a couple of denominations. Not sure exactly what you are looking for in a church but if you could find a independent fundamental baptist church, presbytarian church in america (pca) or a non-denominational you might find a difference. the methodist have gotten extremely liberal (nothing against methodist) while these others tend to be more fundamental….
like you i almost had an abortion even being raised in a very strict christian home i considered it but instead let my parents adopt him and he is the same age as your son. best thing i ever did…..i am a big advocate of adoption….
Kelly,
I’m glad you went back, but I’m sorry you had to go in the first place. Your pain, suffering, struggles and sorrow are felt somewhat in your discourse and I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and had to suffer. Even though you’ve suffered the trauma of abortion you have the courage to speak out and that is extremely commendable. It’s people like you and S. Tyler’s past girlfriend who are making a difference in the rock world and the world, in general. Please do not give up hope. There’s a ton of people behind you who support what you do. God love you. Please don’t give up the fight.
Karl Komara
Johnstown, PA
Hi Kelly,
We “met” here on your blog. Cool. I am so thankful for your courage and that you said yes when Jesus called you to be the voice of so many of us.
I can do two things because of your post: I can keep praying for you and I can pray for John. . .and I will.
Kelly, I begin by saying thank you for all you are doing and pray that you keep up the work, it is vital to our winning this battle. I feel so sorry for your work not being supported by the churches in the area. We are surrounded by many faiths that have not fully accepted the words of God. Where our group lives we are unabe to visit the abortion clinics because they are so far away from where I live or so I say. You have given me the courage to spend some time during Lent to make the trip to the city and this time not to buy clothes or to visit friends but to visit the hospitals where abortions take place and pray that lives will be spared and that more supporters do come out and join in ou peace filled fight
Dear Kelly,
YES YES YES!! Our churches HAVE to speak the word ABORTION! We have to call out our brothers and sisters from the darkness of shame and regret and guilt over past abortions! We are to hold out our hands in love and lead them to The Healer. Satan wants to keep His daughters and sons in the bondage of abortion but we must NEVER stop reaching out to those that are post abortive and need and want help so desperately. I wouldn’t be here today if it hadn’t been for those that loved me through it all and showered me with compassion and acceptance.
I am a Rachel’s Vineyard facilitator and am contemplating sidewalk counseling.
THANK YOU for your courage and honesty.
May God continue to show mercy, even with this generation. Thank you for sharing your story so openly. May we not be indifferent or complacent.
Hi– your story is very insprational. I am so happy that you are able to turn your pain in to promise. I know my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints fully supports life and has donated much money and time in commitment to ending abortion. We are Christians who believe we are all children on God, and our families come first.
Kelly , I know your frustration regarding church apathy. Hang in there and do not allow any bitterness. I started 30 years ago outside abortion clinics and today many more stand out there than did then. It does make you angry, hurt, frustrated, and sad- that babies die and churches get grander. Keep speaking truth and standing for what is right. There is justice and we will know it one day, from a great God in Heaven who is weighing the scales. Thank you, though for speaking up for these precious side walk counselors and taking their defense. So often they, are ridiculed and scorned. It is nice to hear some anger FOR them finally instead of against them. Blessings !
Kelly, I’ve stumbled on your blog and read your posts many time on LifeSiteNews and just want to take a moment to share how much I admire your courage and focus in saving the unborn and pointing the way toward redemption for those who have been through the pain of abortion.
It is a small, small world dear sister because I actually went to middle and high school with your husband Matt and we were very close friends for many years. I am also passionately pro-life and have myself spent many hours praying at clinics here in ATL during 40 Days for Life, as well as volunteering at my local PRC in Douglasville. I haven’t gone to pray in quite some time because the heaviness outside those walls is so heavy and the burden I carried for those moms and babies inside became too much to bear at times. It is so much easier to pray from afar; but when you GO THERE, when you stand on that sidewalk and see the faces of the women, it becomes a spiritual battle and the weight is so so heavy.
Thanks for encouraging me to get out of my comfort zone and get back in the fight.
All the best,
Kristi
Laura,
Perhaps what happened to me after my first day spent at an abortion mill will encourage you. It was a rough day with many people yelling insults and giving me the finger. I am a mellow person and this was hard to take. When I got home I got out my Bible because I wanted to read Isaiah 59:19 “When the enemy comes in like a flood the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against Him.” (That is exactly what He did!) Upon opening my Bible a verse practically leaped off the page. If the Lord speaks to you like this sometimes you know what I am talking about. The verse was in the top left hand corner of the page so I only saw the end of the verse and had to turn the page to see what it said. It was: “Fear not, for I am WITH YOU. Be not dismayed for I AM YOUR GOD. I will help you, yes I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10
I could tell you many many stories of how God graciously revealed Himself to me since I started going to abortion mills.
You said you “would probably just cry the whole time” There is NOTHING more powerful and fruit bearing than tears. Psalm 126:5 says: “Those who SOW IN TEARS shall reap in joy. He who contiually goes forth weeping WILL DOUBTLESS come again with rejoicing, bringing his harvest with him.”
I encourage you to read Abby Johnson’s book “Unplanned” I have met many people at the “Hood” who said they read it and felt compelled and empowered to come and “Do something” Read the story of how the Nun’s prayers outside Abby’s clinic affected the employees inside the clinic.
Laura, God bless you! I want to tell you something that I believe from the bottom of my heart. If YOU show up. HE will show up.