Goodness and Mercy: my truth about abortion
Caution: I am going to share some things in this blog that are tough to write and will be hard to read…but the truth will set you free, and I know that this is part of my journey to being whole.
In my early twenties, I was incredibly stupid…as many in their early twenties are. Looking back, I could blame my addictions, promiscuity and poor choices on so many things. I’ve felt rejection since a very early age. I’ve felt abandonment and a lack of affection since I can remember. I would cling to whoever paid attention to me, and numb myself with whatever was closest.
When I met Matt, he was 20, and I was 23 with a three-year-old daughter. I had just left a tour singing backgrounds for Britney Spears after being raped. Matt wouldn’t know that until years later and neither would anyone else. Matt and I both carried baggage including addictions to pornography and alcohol into an incredibly tumultuous relationship with each other.
A few months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. Now, this is the part where I could list a barrage of excuses.
I’m young. I’m not married. What would people think? What would my parents think? I can’t financially take care of another human being.
I grew up in church, but I never understood God or anything about Him. As a result, I was left with a list of things NOT to do in my mind and abortion was at the top of that list…but so was sex before marriage and drinking and I had freely taken part in both of those. I was taught that when I “asked Jesus in my heart” that He had actually come in and that I was bound for heaven no matter what I did.
So, I quieted the voice in my head that told me not to do it, and I had an abortion. I paid extra so that they would put an IV in and I would be asleep during the procedure. I honestly didn’t think much about it until a few months later when I got pregnant again. It’s so hard for me to type this and not feel self-hatred arise. I went back to the clinic, and this time they gave me a “discount” because I had been there before. They put the IV in, but this time I could still hear. The sounds and the smells still haunt me to this day. I cried a lot after that.
A few weeks later, I started having terrible cramping and bleeding out of nowhere. I went to my doctor and after several tests and procedures they realized that the abortion did not get all of the baby. What ensued after that was horrible…and the lies and deceit that accompanied it were just as disgusting.
A few months ago, 10 years after the abortions, I decided it was time to face the murderer in the mirror. That might sound harsh, but in that 10 years I developed a relationship with Jesus, and in His mercy and kindness He began to show me things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with. I would stumble upon scripture about how God made me and knew me before I was even IN the womb, so surely He knew the children in MY womb and had a purpose for them. I joined a bible study called “Surrendering the Secret” and started on what would be the most difficult journey in my life so far. I started out determined not to cry because of the walls I had built. But slowly those walls came down and I walked through healing. It was not easy but it was necessary. The bible study has a chapter where you are asked to pray and ask God to tell
you the sex of the baby and choose a name for them. I thought SERIOUSLY?! Even my husband thought that was a little crazy “over the top”….but I found this to be the most healing part of the journey, and we named our girls Goodness and Mercy.
You can say what you want and have your opinions about abortion, but this is not a political issue. This is not a Republican/Democrat or conservative/liberal issue. This is an issue of life. I am not here to convince anyone of my “views”. I want you to know what happened to me because I know I’m not alone. Abortion has hurt millions of women. If 5 women read this blog, then statistics say that at least one of you has had an abortion. The guilt and shame that accompanies it is overwhelming and haunting. Healing would not have been mine without the love and forgiveness of my Father….and it’s there for you too. It is my prayer that I can take the hands of millions of women and gently lead them to freedom. Won’t you take my hand?
“Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:6
Kelly…I know this was not a easy task to write this blog all I can say is I am so proud of you I love you and I am praying that God will continue to give you and Matt clear direction in helping to end this Holocaust. Debbie
Girl – there are no words. Thank you for posting this. Your story is so, so powerful. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was for you to write this – bless you my sweet sister. His love is powerful.
Kelly – I am so glad to hear more of your story. And I am so proud of you for stepping out into the unknown, and sharing this with your readers. My respect for you has quaddroopled! I love you!
agreed – wow. just, wow. thank you for courageously sharing. i pray many women will read this and not feel alone.
Hey Kelly,
Thank you so much for your boldness and courage. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 tells us to boast in our weaknesses – when we do that Christ’s power rests on us. This truth is dramatically illustrated in this post.
You honesty and vulnerability will help so many that suffer in the silent, secret shadows of shame.
Question 60 of the Heidelberg Catechism may be a great encouragement and comfort to you and all who are led to this incredibly bold post. Here it is –
60. Q. How are you righteous before God?
A. Only by true faith in Jesus Christ.[1] Although my conscience accuses me that I have grievously sinned against all God’s commandments, have never kept any of them,[2] and am still inclined to all evil,[3] yet God, without any merit of my own,[4] out of mere grace,[5] imputes to me the perfect satisfaction, righteousness, and holiness of Christ.[6] He grants these to me as if I had never had nor committed any sin, and as if I myself had accomplished all the obedience which Christ has rendered for me,[7] if only I accept this gift with a believing heart.[8]
[1] Rom. 3:21-28; Gal. 2:16; Eph. 2:8, 9; Phil. 3:8-11. [2] Rom. 3:9, 10. [3] Rom. 7:23. [4] Deut. 9:6; Ezek. 36:22; Tit. 3:4, 5. [5] Rom. 3:24; Eph. 2:8. [6] Rom. 4:3-5; II Cor. 5:17-19; I John 2:1, 2. [7] Rom. 4:24, 25; II Cor. 5:21. [8] John 3:18; Acts 16:30, 31; Rom. 3:22.
I’m so glad this applies to YOU this day.
Incredible. Thank you for your courage and boldness to share. I join others in praying that many others who have been where you have will read your words and know they really aren’t alone and healing is possible.
WOW! I am so proud of you for putting this out for ALL the world to hear and read.. I truly thank God that HE has brought us through all the junk and trouble we have created in our lives. I love you and all I can say is “WE ARE DOING THIS!” Praise God and may He receive ALL the glory from anything you and I do from here on out!
Love you!
Amazing!
Wow not only do your songs continue to inspire me daily, but as well as your words. Thank you for sharing something that you have held so close to your heart for others to hear. I know I have thought of this before if something like that happened to me and to hear your cries and your testimony really opens my heart. Thank you<3 and thank God for his mercy:)
Thanks for posting this! I’m sure it will help people deal with this and similar situations. God really will bring you through anything if you trust him completely and will lean on him for understanding.
Kelly,
What a powerful and amazing testimony you have. You shine bright!! THANK YOU for allowing God to use you in mighty ways. You are such an inspiration and encouragement in my life! I love you so much.
Audrey
In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)
Bless you for sharing this. I can only imagine the memories and the emotions that were drudged up to be so brutally honest. Thank you.
In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)
Indeed.
This brought me to tears. I have talked with many post-abortive women over the years. They all say the same thing: “I didn’t have a choice.” No one told them about our resource organizations and that we’d help them, if they wanted to keep the baby. They were simply encouraged to abort under the word “empowerment” and the term “women’s rights.” The depression, suicidal attempts, higher divorce rates, infertility rates and more (that followed)…were staggering.
Thank you SO MUCH for being willing to talk about it. We need women like YOU! The *truly* empowered women – the ones willing to share truth even when it goes against the supposed “women’s rights” movement. Women are amazing, wonderful, strong, brilliant and kind. They deserve BETTER than abortion! They deserve help, assistance, mentoring and modeling. Thanks for being a shining star.
It is very important that you have shared your story. As these stories – and there are so, so many like yours – get told, it is my hope and prayer that both men and women will begin to think more carefully about the choices they have when they face pregnancy. And wouldn’t it be an amazing work of God if the people who provide abortions begin to read these stories and start to rethink what they are doing? If they can only let go of the huge financial benefit of being a “provider.”
Bless you for telling your story, and blessings on you and Matt as you continue the journey ahead.
Thank you Kelly for discovering the road to healing and for having the strength & courage to travel the path to your healing. You could have healed privately and kept it to yourself; I am thankful you did not because your experience may just help another woman to avoid having an abortion and help save her child/and her heart from the torment of reliving that experience over and over again in her heart and her mind.
Blessings, peace and forgiveness to you and your family!
Kelly,
Thank you for sharing this. Jesus is simply so good to not leave us where we lead ourselves, and to not let us keep all the junk and damage inside. I am so glad that He is ever interested in healing our hearts and minds…even when we (read: me!) are the ones who brought the hurt and damage to ourselves. He is indeed full of mercy and goodness.
Lots of love and blessings to you.
Kelly, that was so very brave!
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. -Revelation 12:11
It is my prayer that many hear this and find freedom, and for others…conviction. Jesus seemed to really care most for the children and least of these. I always say that “hands that shed innocent blood” (Proverbs 6:17) screams loudest for the unborn in the womb more than anyone anywhere, for not a single soul on earth is as defenseless as them. God bless you for your bravery!
Blessings,
Lori
Kelly,
I so proud of you and I admire the fact that you shared your testimony with the world to see. You are so brave…may the Lord Jesus Christ use this in so many ways, for those women that need the forgiveness and freedom that you share coming from our Savior, and to those that have a decision to make that they will use this to really think about what they are about to do, that it doesn’t end there but it can follow you for a long time. May Jesus open doors for you and your testimony and that He will keep pulling you closer to Him and His abundant love for you! Thank you, for being so brave I always like that about you…
Love,
Madel
I hear chains falling off all around you! God is truly doing marvelous things. We are looking forward to the day when you will both hold Mercy and Grace in your arms . . .
Kelly,
I was directed to your blog by a friend and have to say thank you for allowing yourself to be so transparent. Unfortunately I know the statistics are astonishing when it comes to abortion and I can say with confidence that more go on than we would like to believe. I know what a burden this has been to carry with you, but please feel confident that have just helped someone with a critical decision or helped someone seek forgiveness! Thank you!
You are proof that His goodness and mercy follow us. I pray that Jesus continue to use you in every way He can.
Love.
You totally ROCK JESUS, sister. I can just see Him smiling and nodding and saying YOU GO GIRL as you leaned into Him and typed out your testimony. What a blessing you are.
Love
Cathy
I will take your hand and angels around you and all you touch with your story.
Amen, Kelly!!
I had an abortion 20 years ago. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I came to Christ because of the brokenness over what I had done. What amazing grace and mercy He has shown me!!! My daughter, Aubrey is with Him.(and Goodness and Mercy)
THANK YOU for sharing your story and your heart! God bless you!
Kelly!
You are a courageous, young, beautiful woman!! I will pray for your healing and for beautiful fruits your testimony might bring!
Glory be to The Father and the Virgin Mary!
You are saving lives with this blog Kelly. You are saving women’s lives, you are saving babies’ lives, and not just earthly ones. Stay strong! You are loved and prayed for!
Kelly,
Your words are powerful and Amazing! I thank you personally for making the women who read this to face the fear of their decisions and realize that life will be okay. The love and acceptance shown in this blog is so moving. I believe that people can make wrong choices but we would not be who we are today if we did not go through tough and courageous decisions. Women have powerful minds, bodies and spirits and without each other no one would be able to make it through these tough times alone. thank you again : )
I will take your hand! I had an abortion 27 year ago, I am not heal. Forgiven but not healed. Thank you for sharing your story and God Bless you! Kim
I had an abortion almost 7 years ago. Last year I participated in the Surrendering the Secret post-abortion bible study, and it was wonderful. I’d recommend the bible study to anyone who has had an abortion!
I had an abortion 7 years ago. Like you, I was brought up in the church. And like you, I also subscribed to list of things NOT to do. Drinking – smoking – promiscuity were all at the top of the list. When I found out I was pregnant it was the scariest moment in my life. Everything went blurry and I simply went along with whatever my boyfriend wanted. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but I was in such shock that I was too paralyzed to speak and stand up for my own beliefs. To this day I can see the room and doctor, the incredible pain that made me double over and vomit when the procedure was finished. I couldn’t even bend over to get dressed.
Years went by and I never really dealt with my loss and my choice. I was hurting but my boyfriend couldn’t understand. I found out later in our relationship that his previous girlfriend had two abortions, both under his watch.
A few years ago I remember seeing a story on the news about my abortion doctor. Apparently he was using his previous patience’s names and charging insurance companies for abortion procedures he didn’t even perform. It makes me sick to think that he would make money off the tragedy of someone else.
So here I am at 28 years old still dealing with the shame and regret. I know that God has forgiven me, but it is hard to accept forgiveness when you cannot forgive yourself. Today I was walking on the college campus where I work and the Genocide Project was displayed right in the middle. I was not aware that it was in town and the signs literally took my breath away. I do not believe in this sort of exploitation and it sickens me to know that other post abortion women had to walk by this just to get to class. There was no grief counseling available – just pictures. And I looked at them and wept. I wept for the child I did not fight for and for the women who were hurting because of this as well. But it brought me to this place right here…I realize that I have some unfinished business and that God wants me to deal with these issues. And HE isn’t going to quit pushing until I do the work.
Kelly, I realize you wrote this post quite some time ago, but thank you for your story and your work. Thank you for being strong for women like me.
Hi, I just read some of your blogs – thanks for sharing! I have had multiple abortions, starting back 20 years ago and the grief, shame, deep deep self-hatred and absolute LOATHING never seem to leave. I have recently married a beautiful man and I have also started my own healing journey. I dearly wish to share with you all that RACHEL’S VINEYARD RETREAT has been the most wonderful thing. I received true, deep healing at the Retreat and also met other women who are walking the same painful journey. PLEASE, do yourself a favor, take the brave leap and get to a Retreat. I promise your life will never be the same. Love and Blessings to you from Australia… xo
I had 3 abortions, 1987 1988 1989. I will be going to a Rachael’s Vineyard retreat Nov. 11. I know God loves me and forgives me. The memorial part of the retreat where you name and honor your children is very important to me and I feel drawn to it, to complete my healing. No one in my family or friends knows about my secret, i just can’t bring myself to tell anyone. For years the abortions didn’t bother me or i hardly thought of them, until 1996 when i had a nightmare one night and another time that same year I found myself crying so much in my bedroom, I thought i couldn’t stop. And then i felt a calmness and peace, I know it was God. I started having a intimate relationship with Christ and i started to feel very happy and stronger and forgiven. Even when in 2001 I found out i had a disease that i contracted from back in the days of using cocaine. I’m happy to say that I’m doing very well and my good doctor cannot track the disease in my liver anymore, Thanks be to God. But here it is 2011 and some of the old feelings of guilt, shame and regets are starting to reappear. And feeling of not being able to forgive myself. I have begun to read the book called Forbidden Grief which is a tremendous help in explaining the trauma that women experience from abortions. I feel and hope that going to the retreat will be the final step I need to complete closure for my 3 big mistakes.
What a courageous woman you are. God has really blessed anyone who has ever read your testimony. I will pray for your ministry and message to reach the heart and ears of everyone who needs to hear it, whether they are struggling with an unwanted pregnancy or have had an abortion. God bless you for telling the TRUTH about abortion.
God bless you Kelly and keep you Strong in the Truth.
Thank you for sharing I love reading your blogs. I started reading about abortion stories after i had an abortion feb 23/24 2011. boy do i wish i would of read them BEFORE my abortion i probably would not of had one, i tell myself. after my abortion i told myself alot of things like i would never do that again, and i want to be prolife. i even volunteered to do the prolife stand at the county fair aug 2011. but it was a baby contest also and with my wounds still deep i didnt stay very long and i ran out
why couldnt my baby be apart of that contest? shortly after my abortion i got into another relationship in april. it is an very mentally/verbally abusive relationship but are are still on and off even getting married on aug 29, 2011. well on sept 19th 2011 i took another pregnancy test because I was soooo tired. well the plus sign showed up once again. the father and I were fighting so i sent him a picture text of the preg test. He screamed and yelled at me to get an abortion. He had recently lost his job and I have no job so how are we suppose to have another child? he has one i have two. at 1st i thought/said i could never have another abortion…but he soon broke down my strong walls and i started thinking i needed to have an abortion for the childs sake. we have no place to live (hes staying with his mom and im staying w/ my kids dad. odd situation i know considering we are married)no jobs, we constantly fight. so i stopped talking to him for a whole month. then i emailed him saying i missed him and im still pregnant. so i went and visited him. we got back together still very unstable relationship. so in my mind i was still going to have to abortion i just kept putting it off because i deep down didnt want to and knew how bad it hurts physically and emotionally. i finally had an appt set up on fri nov 4th. i went and picked up the dad. he was still in bed knowing we had to go and i was running late..so i touch his shoulder and he turned over to my surprise his eyes were bright red, bloodshot, half open and he was crying very hard. “whats wrong?” i said. he says ” i dont want you to do this.” “I thought you did you were the one who told me to, we dont have jobs or a place remember.” he replies “no! i never wanted you to. i was upset and scared. i dont want to put you thru what you already been thur again.” at first i was so confused i made him get dressed and we left for the abortion. halfway there i couldnt go no farther. i didnt want the abortion. i love my babyand the baby’s dad, my husband, to death. so we turned around went back to his mom’s and laid in bed all day and held each other. well our relationship still isnt fixed we still break up every other day. and sometimes when we break up he says he wants me to have an abortion. then we get back together and he says he was just mad or sad blah blah blah. sometimes i think it would be the easy way but then i think back to my abortion and it helps. I dont want an abortion. Im just terrified of whats to come being pregnant staying w/ my kids dad who says i cant live here if i dont have an abortion. So Im really scared but read stories like this and remember my story and that helps me remember abortion is not an answer to all these problems. I just keep praying and today i have an interview so this could be a start to fixing things. Thank you for sharing. stories like this are keeping me strong and saving my baby, who i do plan on keeping no matter what is trying to hold me back and i love so much. *prayers please*
praying mommy, HOW ARE YOU DOING? Have you been to a local Crisis Pregnancy Center? I believe they could offer you a lot of help! There are resources out there if you know where to find them. Have you considered your local women’s shelter to help you get back on your feet? Your story hurts my heart. I will pray for you!
Please add a Facebook share button or email button for your stories. Your story would get out more and shared too! I love it
Kelly, thank you for sharing this. It touches me, and I can relate to it.
Kelly,
Thank you for sharing. As a woman born of rape, I feel a personal connection when it comes to ending abortion. My mother chose life and chose to raise me despite her circumstance-I have learned quite a bit from her and believe that God chose me for a reason. Be blessed.
Samantha