Caution: I am going to share some things in this blog that are tough to write and will be hard to read…but the truth will set you free, and I know that this is part of my journey to being whole.
In my early twenties, I was incredibly stupid…as many in their early twenties are. Looking back, I could blame my addictions, promiscuity and poor choices on so many things. I’ve felt rejection since a very early age. I’ve felt abandonment and a lack of affection since I can remember. I would cling to whoever paid attention to me, and numb myself with whatever was closest.
When I met Matt, he was 20, and I was 23 with a three-year-old daughter. I had just left a tour singing backgrounds for Britney Spears after being raped. Matt wouldn’t know that until years later and neither would anyone else. Matt and I both carried baggage including addictions to pornography and alcohol into an incredibly tumultuous relationship with each other.
A few months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. Now, this is the part where I could list a barrage of excuses.
I’m young. I’m not married. What would people think? What would my parents think? I can’t financially take care of another human being.
I grew up in church, but I never understood God or anything about Him. As a result, I was left with a list of things NOT to do in my mind and abortion was at the top of that list…but so was sex before marriage and drinking and I had freely taken part in both of those. I was taught that when I “asked Jesus in my heart” that He had actually come in and that I was bound for heaven no matter what I did.
So, I quieted the voice in my head that told me not to do it, and I had an abortion. I paid extra so that they would put an IV in and I would be asleep during the procedure. I honestly didn’t think much about it until a few months later when I got pregnant again. It’s so hard for me to type this and not feel self-hatred arise. I went back to the clinic, and this time they gave me a “discount” because I had been there before. They put the IV in, but this time I could still hear. The sounds and the smells still haunt me to this day. I cried a lot after that.
A few weeks later, I started having terrible cramping and bleeding out of nowhere. I went to my doctor and after several tests and procedures they realized that the abortion did not get all of the baby. What ensued after that was horrible…and the lies and deceit that accompanied it were just as disgusting.
A few months ago, 10 years after the abortions, I decided it was time to face the murderer in the mirror. That might sound harsh, but in that 10 years I developed a relationship with Jesus, and in His mercy and kindness He began to show me things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with. I would stumble upon scripture about how God made me and knew me before I was even IN the womb, so surely He knew the children in MY womb and had a purpose for them. I joined a bible study called “Surrendering the Secret” and started on what would be the most difficult journey in my life so far. I started out determined not to cry because of the walls I had built. But slowly those walls came down and I walked through healing. It was not easy but it was necessary. The bible study has a chapter where you are asked to pray and ask God to tell you the sex of the baby and choose a name for them. I thought SERIOUSLY?! Even my husband thought that was a little crazy “over the top”….but I found this to be the most healing part of the journey, and we named our girls Goodness and Mercy.
You can say what you want and have your opinions about abortion, but this is not a political issue. This is not a Republican/Democrat or conservative/liberal issue. This is an issue of life. I am not here to convince anyone of my “views”. I want you to know what happened to me because I know I’m not alone. Abortion has hurt millions of women. If 5 women read this blog, then statistics say that at least one of you has had an abortion. The guilt and shame that accompanies it is overwhelming and haunting. Healing would not have been mine without the love and forgiveness of my Father….and it’s there for you too. It is my prayer that I can take the hands of millions of women and gently lead them to freedom. Won’t you take my hand?
“Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:6